You are having difficulty deciding on a course of action with your current project. You approach the project manager for assistance. Your project manager says ‘Sure. Tell me what the problem is.” And you do. After about a half hour of you telling the story (and now you are feeling REALLY concerned about it), your colleague says ‘OK, great. So here is what you should do…..’
And you think to yourself ‘I wouldn’t do that! That’s dumb idea. I would do it this way and my way is much better (but really you aren’t sure!!)’
And you leave the conversation having wasted an hour and feel as if no headway has been made.
Giving unsolicited advice to someone on what they need to do differently means challenging their sense of identity – the way they see themselves.
Our identity is precious, in some respects it’s all we really have when it comes down to it! This is why delivering and receiving feedback is so very difficult. Our brains have a hardwired view or interpretation of ourselves and our situation. To provide an unsolicited counter to that essentially says ‘you are wrong’. And we don’t like to be wrong. Wrong sets off a threat response in our brain and we jump to the defence. And when we are in threat, and jumping to defence, we are not logically thinking about or absorbing information.
You can best help someone by asking the questions that help them to evolve their own identity – how they see themselves and what they see themselves doing – on their terms and in their timeframe.
Ask questions like: What exactly is the key dilemma? What is getting in the way of resolving the issue? What exactly do you want from me? How can I help you think this through?…and what will it look like when this is resolved?
And if THEY say ‘Tell me what you would do!’ then you have the green light!
Let them make the choices and the decisions…let their sense of worth and identify remain intact…and be the best friend ever.