Your team member falls into your office. They are emotional. Something has happened and they need to get it off their chest. You know that you just need to give them the opportunity to vent.
During that venting process, there is a lot of blaming, regret, frustration…but at least they are getting it off their chest. You look at your watch, an hour has passed, no sign of letting up, and you are feeling like crap now…the negative energy is contagious.
So here’s the thing…venting is not useful.
Yes, we have been taught that it is necessary and of value, but my belief is that it serves no useful purpose.
- It wastes valuable time that could be focused on moving to a solution or resolution – like when you stuff around getting ready to go somewhere, then are late and miss it anyway, so why did you bother – nothing gained.
- It reinforces the issues by going over and over them – like a child over-doing the colouring in to the point where the paper tears
- It reinforces and extends the emotional experience associated with the issue – by keeping it alive, even taking it to new levels of negativity – like when you use a magnifying glass to use the sun to set an ant on fire (no I never did that – someone told me about it).
So why do vent?
- It feels good. It feels like problem-solving. But it’s not.
- It alleviates stress and tension in the moment, but not long term.
- An inevitable sympathetic response makes you feel better, like you are not alone.
I believe there are two things that are really happening here. Firstly, the ventor is avoiding the effort and accountability associated with owning the situation and owning progression to a solution i.e., they want to pass the buck. But most importantly…
‘People vent, whinge and blame because they haven’t felt heard!’
If you have a team of ventors, or whingers, or blamers…begin with taking the time to let them feel heard. Here are three steps you can take to help them feel heard and then redirect their energy to more useful places.
- Validate what they are saying, but ‘shrink wrap’ it into factual, manageable chunks – ‘So what you are saying is that John didn’t deliver for the third week in a row’
- Focus on their emotion, not the content – ‘I can see that you are disappointed in this outcome.’
- Redirect their focus – ‘So what is it you need to do to move beyond this…’ or ‘So what is the thinking you need to do, or action you now need to take so this situation changes?
You will find your own language around this, just follow the general approach.
Sometimes it’s useful to get back to basics.
On a daily basis I hear of the motivation and engagement challenges that leaders face. We live in an evolved, sophisticated social world, yet our brains have not evolved at the same rate and are still designed to survive and respond in a relatively primitive social world.
All humans have a one-track mind.
The fundamental role of the brain is to ensure the perpetuation of the species …
which is, actually, just as relevant today as it was thousands of years ago. To achieve this important goal your brain does two things:
it seeks to protect you from threat
(anything that might lead to your death or disablement), and
it seeks reward
(anything that will keep you alive and thriving).
When you are in ‘threat’ mode (i.e., checking to make sure everything is safe) your capacity for logic, creativity, seeing possibilities and being open-minded and curious is significantly inhibited. Your brain will instruct all non-essential functioning to go ‘on hold’ till the threat is managed or gone. It’s like a fire alarm or bomb threat in a high-rise building…until the ‘all clear’ is given, all non-critical work and activity (ie, except for getting people out of the building and making sure all is safe) is abandoned.
BUT…the circumstances that impact our perception of threat have changed significantly. The brain does not distinguish between physical and psychological or social threats – they are treated with a similar ‘threat’ response in the brain.
Primitive threats tended to be more physical and included …
- wild animals
- crazy neighbours with spears
- commonly occurring famine, floods and drought
- abandonment or ostracisation from the tribe which potentially led to no food, water or shelter.
The more common threats we experience today in a country like Australia tend to be more of a social nature and include…
- social or contribution rejection;
- discrimination, loneliness, embarrassment and humiliation;
- changing goal posts and the rate of change;
- lack of control over our work environments;
- financial insecurity;
- social media jealously (everybody looks like their life is better than mine);
- high social expectations and the impact of media on our sense of ’normality’ and our ability to achieve that normal (i.e., driving a fab car, huge house with a pool, looking like a model) and so on.
The problem is that the definition of ‘threat’ is ‘anything that is not expected’.
Think about it…how many times in a day do you experience something you didn’t expect? How many times do things not go to plan? How many times do you and others react in ways you didn’t predict? And as a result, how much time and energy in your day is channelled into making sure that these potential threats check out to be ‘ok’?
The answer: more than is useful in terms of us remaining productive and engaged. Way too much time in our day is ‘wasted’ on responding to the calls from our primitive brain. Until we feel physically and psychologically safe, we cannot function to our potential or learn or adapt.
The solution: we must understand and learn how to manage and change our habitual responses and shift to more useful ones. This is where taking a neuroscience approach to leadership can help.
The role of neuroscience is to explain behaviour in terms of the activities of the brain. And we now understand our ‘operating system’ so much more, and indeed enough to understand that we can influence and evolve it’s primitive processes to be more aligned and useful in today’s sophisticated social world.
Leading well requires mastery over the one-track mind. Mastery over one’s own mind, and the skill to support others to a level of awareness around their own primitive responses.
This is about increasing our human skills – our understanding of how humans are really motivated, how they tick. We need to bring back some substance into our leadership.
My thoughts around developing Leaders of Substance are outlined in this video.
The capacity to diagnose and respond effectively to a lack of psychological safety – in self and in others – is now a critical leadership skill. If you are not playing in this space…it’s time to at least take a look.
Someone will always win – let it be you!
My friend ‘Harold’ and I were yesterday discussing the critical impact that conversations have on the culture and performance of an organisation. Harold is a highly respected and experienced businessman and consultant, semi-retired, and currently Chairman of the Board of a very large institution embarking on a necessary and significant cultural change process
Interestingly, he was lamenting the state of conversation he is experiencing across the board – in politics, in coffee shops, in business meetings and in Boardrooms. Harold came to Australia in the 1970’s – to a refreshing culture of boldness, larrikinism and authenticity which, in his observation, seems to have been diluted and sanitised to the point of non-existence – and in his opinion to the detriment of the culture of both our personal and professional worlds.
“You start a conversation over a coffee, and it ends up a whinge-fest and somehow you get drawn into it.”
And that’s called Emotional Contagion. It’s a real and powerful force. AND it operates predominantly below our conscious realisation.
Your brain is highly tuned to connect and align with the emotional states of those around you, and for good reason via some clever brain cells called mirror neurons.
Imagine you are not in the line of sight of some form of extreme danger, but your friend is. Your friend sees it, they become instantly fearful, and somehow you are able to instantly and intuitively pick up on that fear and feel it as well, without any form of deliberate or language-based communication needed and you respond accordingly. From an evolutionary perspective, this sophisticated human ability is quite useful in keeping you safe.
Emotional contagion is why you can intuitively ‘know’ when your child or partner is not happy, or that the manager at the end of the boardroom table is about to share something bad.
So when two or more individuals come together in two or more emotional states, there begins a battle. In this Emotional Contagion Battle, with the absence of deliberate and conscious overriding, the negative emotion will always win – for all the evolutionary reasons I’ve already mentioned.
And it is a difficult battle to win. It can feel a bit like yellow food colouring in a glass of water fighting to stay yellow when some black has been mixed in…! An uphill battle!
Sometimes, of course, this overriding negative view is necessary, but in our socially evolved and relatively safe business environments it gets in the way of the objectivity, logic and useful intuition needed for a great organisational culture to survive.
Now the evolutionary odds are against us here.
- Humans are born with a negativity bias – an evolutionary tendency to view the world from a negative perspective before a positive one.
- To save the expensive use of brain fuel required to think consciously, our brains encode and automate repeated patterns of thinking and behaviour – if you regularly see or engage in ‘whinging’, then your brain encodes (hardwired) that way of being.
- Engaging in those hardwired activities is easy and preferred by the brain – again under the brain fuel saving banner.
So, it’s hard, but only when we are not paying attention. And of course, for all the same reasons we can start to REWIRE and train ourselves to firstly, reframe to overcome our natural tendency to be drawn to the negative, and then, with full conscious deliberate-ness, WIN THE EMOTIONAL CONTAGION BATTLE.
Someone will always win – let it be you.
So let’s apply Simon Sinek’s Golden Circle to this…
We’ve started with WHY it is important for you to be on the lookout and deal with Emotional Contagion.
WHAT do you need to about it? You need to recognise it, check in on your own emotional state and assess its usefulness and, if necessary, reframe it. And then hold your ground to win the Emotional Contagion Battle
HOW do you do that? Three easy steps…
- Acknowledge it – call the emotional state of the other person or the group. Eg, “I can see that this is really frustrating you”
- Shrink wrap it – people need to be heard and validated. Ask them to succinctly express their concerns and then shrink wrap that into a phrase or idea or concept that represents it – then put it aside. Eg, “So it’s really about….”
- Redirect it – gently redirect the conversation to what can be usefully done about it, or to a more useful conversation entirely. Eg, “What specifically do you want to now do about it so you can move on…”
Master leaders understand this and consciously and patiently, and with permission, redirect the attention of their teams to places where positivity, creativity and engagement can thrive.
Have a great day!
I’d like to hedge a bet and say never, or at least rarely!
One of the challenges of being human, is the limited capacity of our ‘thinking’ brain. Whilst it is powerful in many ways, it is also quite limited in its capacity to think though complexity.
The pre-frontal cortex (the bit that makes us intelligently human) is a linear processor. It loves problems that fit into an A + B + C = D structure. When you find yourself going around in circles over a problem or challenge, it will often be because either the A, or the B, or the C is missing. Until that piece of the puzzle is discovered or sourced, the equation can’t be processed and your thinking goes into a kind of loop.
This is where having a buddy with effective conversation skill can help because for the same reasons (ie, linear), we find it difficult to analyse our own thinking in ways that can release the blockage.
And for the same reason yet again, we always take the easy way out and an ‘I don’t know’ will elicit a rescue response from someone else who then takes on some of the responsibility for resolving your issue.
Couple this with our innate desire to help others, and an urgency to move the issue along, and an horrific fear of silence , and we fall into a time-consuming series of conversations that still don’t solve the problem.
The reality is that, in most cases, you DO know the answer. People do know what they need and the answer is not in their thinking brain – it’s more intuitive than that and they need to reflect much more deeply and in a non-linear way. This kind of thinking requires time and space.
Helping someone proactively to do this thinking is a skill that can be learned.
However, when I hear the words ‘I don’t know’ I have trained myself to hear ‘I’m not sure, just give me a minute!’ and I SHUT UP.
Giving others the time and space to really think is a gift.
It doesn’t hurt.
The discomfort of the silence will be broken by someone, let it be them.
Try it and see what happens.
Have a great day…
‘We are heading into a two-year change transformation phase’
I hear this all the time from clients. What do they really mean? They mean that things are not quite working the way they want or need, and they need to change how things are done – they need to change the culture.
On the surface, culture is what people do and how things get done. It is visible in processes, meetings, client interactions and relationships. It is visible in the web of networking across the organisation (or lack thereof). And it is most evident in the conversations that take place.
Beneath the surface, the DNA of culture is in the neural patterns of the collective ‘brain’ of the organisation. The thinking and behavioural patterns of every employee form a ‘collective brain’ and are influenced by how behaviour and thinking is focused around them. Those patterns can be changed through the consistent and effective redirection of attention – through the conversations that take place, particularly the conversations that involve leaders.
Change is all about conversations. And most importantly, change happens one conversation at a time – NOT IN ONE CONVERSATION!
Not at one strategy retreat…
Not in one launch or email communication…
Not in one blanket project plan or strategy guide…
But one powerful, effective and useful conversation at a time.
Investing in developing the skill of powerful, effective and useful conversation, then, is a worthwhile investment.
It’s time to bring back the art and power of conversation in the workplace.
Have a great day!