Someone will always win – let it be you!
My friend ‘Harold’ and I were yesterday discussing the critical impact that conversations have on the culture and performance of an organisation. Harold is a highly respected and experienced businessman and consultant, semi-retired, and currently Chairman of the Board of a very large institution embarking on a necessary and significant cultural change process
Interestingly, he was lamenting the state of conversation he is experiencing across the board – in politics, in coffee shops, in business meetings and in Boardrooms. Harold came to Australia in the 1970’s – to a refreshing culture of boldness, larrikinism and authenticity which, in his observation, seems to have been diluted and sanitised to the point of non-existence – and in his opinion to the detriment of the culture of both our personal and professional worlds.
“You start a conversation over a coffee, and it ends up a whinge-fest and somehow you get drawn into it.”
And that’s called Emotional Contagion. It’s a real and powerful force. AND it operates predominantly below our conscious realisation.
Your brain is highly tuned to connect and align with the emotional states of those around you, and for good reason via some clever brain cells called mirror neurons.
Imagine you are not in the line of sight of some form of extreme danger, but your friend is. Your friend sees it, they become instantly fearful, and somehow you are able to instantly and intuitively pick up on that fear and feel it as well, without any form of deliberate or language-based communication needed and you respond accordingly. From an evolutionary perspective, this sophisticated human ability is quite useful in keeping you safe.
Emotional contagion is why you can intuitively ‘know’ when your child or partner is not happy, or that the manager at the end of the boardroom table is about to share something bad.
So when two or more individuals come together in two or more emotional states, there begins a battle. In this Emotional Contagion Battle, with the absence of deliberate and conscious overriding, the negative emotion will always win – for all the evolutionary reasons I’ve already mentioned.
And it is a difficult battle to win. It can feel a bit like yellow food colouring in a glass of water fighting to stay yellow when some black has been mixed in…! An uphill battle!
Sometimes, of course, this overriding negative view is necessary, but in our socially evolved and relatively safe business environments it gets in the way of the objectivity, logic and useful intuition needed for a great organisational culture to survive.
Now the evolutionary odds are against us here.
- Humans are born with a negativity bias – an evolutionary tendency to view the world from a negative perspective before a positive one.
- To save the expensive use of brain fuel required to think consciously, our brains encode and automate repeated patterns of thinking and behaviour – if you regularly see or engage in ‘whinging’, then your brain encodes (hardwired) that way of being.
- Engaging in those hardwired activities is easy and preferred by the brain – again under the brain fuel saving banner.
So, it’s hard, but only when we are not paying attention. And of course, for all the same reasons we can start to REWIRE and train ourselves to firstly, reframe to overcome our natural tendency to be drawn to the negative, and then, with full conscious deliberate-ness, WIN THE EMOTIONAL CONTAGION BATTLE.
Someone will always win – let it be you.
So let’s apply Simon Sinek’s Golden Circle to this…
We’ve started with WHY it is important for you to be on the lookout and deal with Emotional Contagion.
WHAT do you need to about it? You need to recognise it, check in on your own emotional state and assess its usefulness and, if necessary, reframe it. And then hold your ground to win the Emotional Contagion Battle
HOW do you do that? Three easy steps…
- Acknowledge it – call the emotional state of the other person or the group. Eg, “I can see that this is really frustrating you”
- Shrink wrap it – people need to be heard and validated. Ask them to succinctly express their concerns and then shrink wrap that into a phrase or idea or concept that represents it – then put it aside. Eg, “So it’s really about….”
- Redirect it – gently redirect the conversation to what can be usefully done about it, or to a more useful conversation entirely. Eg, “What specifically do you want to now do about it so you can move on…”
Master leaders understand this and consciously and patiently, and with permission, redirect the attention of their teams to places where positivity, creativity and engagement can thrive.
Have a great day!
I’d like to hedge a bet and say never, or at least rarely!
One of the challenges of being human, is the limited capacity of our ‘thinking’ brain. Whilst it is powerful in many ways, it is also quite limited in its capacity to think though complexity.
The pre-frontal cortex (the bit that makes us intelligently human) is a linear processor. It loves problems that fit into an A + B + C = D structure. When you find yourself going around in circles over a problem or challenge, it will often be because either the A, or the B, or the C is missing. Until that piece of the puzzle is discovered or sourced, the equation can’t be processed and your thinking goes into a kind of loop.
This is where having a buddy with effective conversation skill can help because for the same reasons (ie, linear), we find it difficult to analyse our own thinking in ways that can release the blockage.
And for the same reason yet again, we always take the easy way out and an ‘I don’t know’ will elicit a rescue response from someone else who then takes on some of the responsibility for resolving your issue.
Couple this with our innate desire to help others, and an urgency to move the issue along, and an horrific fear of silence , and we fall into a time-consuming series of conversations that still don’t solve the problem.
The reality is that, in most cases, you DO know the answer. People do know what they need and the answer is not in their thinking brain – it’s more intuitive than that and they need to reflect much more deeply and in a non-linear way. This kind of thinking requires time and space.
Helping someone proactively to do this thinking is a skill that can be learned.
However, when I hear the words ‘I don’t know’ I have trained myself to hear ‘I’m not sure, just give me a minute!’ and I SHUT UP.
Giving others the time and space to really think is a gift.
It doesn’t hurt.
The discomfort of the silence will be broken by someone, let it be them.
Try it and see what happens.
Have a great day…
‘We are heading into a two-year change transformation phase’
I hear this all the time from clients. What do they really mean? They mean that things are not quite working the way they want or need, and they need to change how things are done – they need to change the culture.
On the surface, culture is what people do and how things get done. It is visible in processes, meetings, client interactions and relationships. It is visible in the web of networking across the organisation (or lack thereof). And it is most evident in the conversations that take place.
Beneath the surface, the DNA of culture is in the neural patterns of the collective ‘brain’ of the organisation. The thinking and behavioural patterns of every employee form a ‘collective brain’ and are influenced by how behaviour and thinking is focused around them. Those patterns can be changed through the consistent and effective redirection of attention – through the conversations that take place, particularly the conversations that involve leaders.
Change is all about conversations. And most importantly, change happens one conversation at a time – NOT IN ONE CONVERSATION!
Not at one strategy retreat…
Not in one launch or email communication…
Not in one blanket project plan or strategy guide…
But one powerful, effective and useful conversation at a time.
Investing in developing the skill of powerful, effective and useful conversation, then, is a worthwhile investment.
It’s time to bring back the art and power of conversation in the workplace.
Have a great day!
Having a theme for the year has served me well over the past few years.
There is a part of your brain called the RAS (Reticular Activating System) that decides what data – from outside and inside your body – your brain will pay attention to. You need your RAS because there is way too much data for your brain to take in – it needs to be selective.
The issue to consider is whether the choices your RAS are making are useful for you! In the absence of any direction from you, the choices and decisions the RAS makes will be random, or based on your past instructions or interests or random thoughts, OR in line with a more primitive decision-making set of instructions designed to ensure your survival. For example, as I said, my theme last year was ‘PROFILE’ – I wanted to raise the profile of my business and my expertise to attract new clients.
What happened was three-fold:
1. I started to come across (pay attention to) more opportunities for to raise or contribute to my business and professional profile.
2. I was proactive in making decisions that supported that particular outcome over other potential outcomes.
3. I was more likely to act on such opportunities than I would have been in the past.
And as a result, I more easily achieved my business objectives than I had anticipated. In the absence of a well-thought out ‘theme’ I would probably not have paid as much or any attention to the opportunities. Or I may have tended to continue to make decisions and choices similar to last year (stay in my comfort zone). Or I may have failed to overcome my inertia on acting on the opportunities due to a desire to protect myself from the risk of doing something new and different.
This is how your brain works – doing new, great stuff is difficult and requires deliberate attention and undesirable effort.
Take some time TODAY to start providing some guidance for your RAS for this year. Here is a SEVEN STEP process to get you started…..
FIRST…take some time out (involving a cafe, coffee and cake (or green tea and dark chocolate in my case – there it is – finally the reference to the title), and a notebook or device or whiteboard depending on your personal process for scribbling and creating!
THEN…just reflect on what you want…big picture 5 years from now…how last year went…what needs to be different…what will give you biggest bang for buck this year…what you don’t want to happen this year…where you want to be in December…create a vision board of scribbles and key words…WHATEVER takes your reflection fancy.
SO YOU CAN…land on a series of tangible and intangible goals that excite you!! (note…must excite you)
NOW YOU NEED TO…take a step back and consider the shift or change or one thing that is going to make a difference and help you to achieve these goals – what has been the barrier in the past, what has got in the way, or what have you failed to do enough of or well enough. Write down a few ideas and order another cupcake or dark chocolate thingy.
AND THEN…forget it all for a while….that’s enough for now. Stop thinking about it and take a few days to let your brain percolate over this. Add to your notes as ideas come. Eventually, the WORD or THEME will hit you, and when it does…
PROCLAIM TO THE WORLD…write it, blog about it, draw it, figure out what it looks like everyday, share it with your team and discuss what it means for you and them. Immerse yourself in it, set mindful reminders to make sure it is front of mind. Do whatever you need to do to clearly instruct your RAS that THIS IS IT FOR 2015….this is our (meaning you and your brain) goal, our influencing context, our foundation, our driver. Hardwire it into your RAS…then get on with your year. And finally….
TEST YOURSELF… At the end of a meeting or conversation ask yourself…did I engage with my theme?
At the end of the day/month etc, diarise a green tea and dark chocolate meeting with yourself to reflect on how your theme is going. The big test is whether the theme is influencing your professional decisions and behaviours. If not, it’s probably not the right theme, or you are not really committed to it – just interested in the idea of it! If this is the case, change it, or get off your butt and commit to it. Good luck. I hope it works for you like it’s working for me.
By the way, my word for 2016 is CORE. You’ll be hearing lots about it if you are a regular consumer of my writing. I will be exploring the next iteration of my interest in neuroscience to take it ‘Beyond Neuro’ and into ‘Getting to the CORE’ – I am challenged by the wasted time, effort and emotion I see executive teams experience as a result of our inability to really cut to the chase of our conversations, in our meetings, of our projects – it will be a fun exploration!!
Welcome to 2016 – your best year ever – and I look forward to supporting you on your professional and personal journey!
PS: I am serious about doing something about this TODAY and getting out of the office to a neutral thinking space e.g., cafe with cake and coffee… Off you go now…
I’m 50 years of age. And despite all my life experience, and how much I know about the human brain, I still make crap decisions – though I think many fewer than I used to!
In my youth I was one of those people who stood out as having ‘potential’ and was given many opportunities for promotion and leadership. Back then, however, we had limited (if any)leadership or people management training. And the training we had would be literally laughed at today as completely superficial and useless.
But I did the best I could, and I made some poor decisions. I recruited poorly, I misread intentions, I disregarded valuable input from others (because I knew best)! I also listened to the wrong people’s advice, made inaccurate and unfair judgments, and I inadvertently put people off-side through my choice of ‘language’ and my penchant for telling them what I thought they wanted or needed to be told.
I survived of course, and actually did a pretty good job. But when I look back now, I constantly bemoan that if I knew back then, what I know now, my impact as a leader would have been much higher and much more useful, and the job of leading humans would have been much easier.
So why is that we are naturally poor at making decisions?
Much of it stems from our built-in, primitive survival drivers. We are hardwired to be biased, to make assumptions, and to push back, retreat or defend when under threat.
And what’s more, when we do these things, we are not conscious of them, and we do not believe that we are being ineffective. Our internal survival biases seek out evidence that confirms that we are doing a great job, even when we aren’t.
Now this can be a bit of a problem in organisations as you could well imagine, but there are number of things we can do to reduce these human barriers to making good decisions.
- We can teach people about how the brain thinks;
- We can teach people to look for, recognize and mitigate human biases;
- We can adjust our organisational processes to eliminate or reduce biased judgments.
Want to learn more….and get up-to-date on the latest in brain-based leadership?
Come along to one of my ‘New York and Next Year’ events in December – Brisbane and Sydney, where I will unpack the research and case studies from the recent NeuroLeadership Summit I attended in New York.
Bonus: There will also be a powerful session for you to unpack the sure way to achieve your stretch goals for next year – based on neuroscience – of course! I look forward to seeing you there!
Energy is such an important thing.
We know that our energy builds and wanes over the course of the day for a number of reasons…we use it up, we have a natural circadian ‘dip’ in energy mid-afternoon (and 3 am just out of interest), emotional arousal drains our energy, or we simply fail to live healthily enough to enable the adequate creation of energy. (more…)